What the fuck.
No, really–these are funny as hell, but who exactly thought any of these was a good idea? Who would actually pay to have this on their phone? I mean, I know everyone recalls the infamous‘Shaken Baby’ app that was available for all of about 2 days before it inevitably got pulled, but that wasn’t ‘dumb’ per se, it was just what a lot of people would consider very poor taste and requiring a disturbed sense of humor (I thought it was funny).
The point of writing an app for the app store is to make money off of it, right? People may laugh at these things but they’re not going to spend 99 cents on them just to have them on their phone so they can show them to people and be like ‘ha ha, isn’t that dumb?’….Ok, there ARE people like that (they’re often orange and live in New Jersey), but there aren’t enough of them such that the money you’re going to make from stuff like this is really worth it, right? RIGHT??! Oh god what is the internet coming to… This is what:
10. BaconFarts
From the description: “Bacon Farts – Bringing together the delightful savory goodness of bacon with the melodic siren songs of fart sounds; this wonder of modern science uses bacon themed flatulence to elicit humor amongst friends and family alike.”
So we’ve gone beyond iFart (no, that’s not here–dude, that’s old news, it’s not even that bad anymore, relatively speaking, which isn’t really a good thing), on to bacon-themed farting software for your phone with such asstastic symphonies as “The Sizzler”, “Bacon Bits”, and “The Canadian”. Oh boy.
9. The Verminator
From the description: “Turn the tables on menacing vermin! They’ve been “bugging” you for long enough, so now it’s time to show them who’s boss! Squish, drag or split them apart for a quick death–or take your time and perform careful dissections! Hold them at your mercy, making sure they feel your wrath as you become the ultimate VERMINATOR™!” [emphasis mine]
Guys, if you are sittin’ around, chillin’, relaxin’, squishin’ some vermin on your iPhone, you can fucking forget trying to talk to any girls who might see you doing this. I don’t know what could possibly top this as far as that goes, maybe an app for pedophiles that locates the nearest playground, but, beyond that, this is about as weird ‘n creepy as it gets. Oh, it get’s even better, we’ve got a video for you:
8. Proposal Generator
Are you a complete fucking pussy? Did you facebook stalk every girl you’ve ever asked out for 6 months before actually asking her out? Does she now carry your balls in her purse? Have you decided that this girl is the one that you want to carry your balls around in her purse for all time? Well, if you’re ready to pop the question, but you want to do it in pathetic and cowardly manner, have I got the iPhone application for you!
7. Wooooo! Button
From the description: “Simple yet guaranteed addicting, Wooo! Button is simply that…a button that belts out an emphatic ‘Wooo!’”
Right, so now when something happens that would normally cause you to go “Woooo!”, what you’ll do is say “Oh, oh my god, hang on everybody, just a sec…dig around in pocket…pull out iPhone…press button, ‘Woooooo!’…grin stupidly“. I hope not. Video:
6. Cow Toss
You drag the cow down to the bottom of the screen like you’re pulling back some kind of invisible slingshot that’s been loaded with A FUCKING COW, let go, and as you would predict Bessy goes bouncing all over the screen and mooing. Love the directions, too: “Pull Cow Down, Release.” Couldn’t find a video for this one, sorry (and this is one where I wish I really did have a video of it)–if you’ve got one, leave a link in the comments, it will be much appreciated.
5. iKissMe
From the description: “No matter what your love life brings to the table, you will have a big soft pair of lips to kiss whenever you want!”
So, you pay $4.99 (yes, really) for an app that when run will allow you to pick your preferred kiss type and will then play the sound effect for that particular kiss when, and only when, you kiss your iPhone. That’s it, that’s all it does. You kiss your phone, it makes a kissy noise back at you. This is one that I really think is NOT going to make a lot of money at all–I mean, if you’re so pathetic that you would want this sort of thing if it were free then you’re also the sort of person who would likely want a blow-up sex doll, which would be much better, and you can surely afford it if you’ve got an iPhone, right?
4. Ms. Fart (queefing noise generator)
From the description: “Why listen to an old man fart when you can listen to a lady?”
The really funny bit about this app is that it serves to illustrate just how silly we here in the United States can be: this app, which IS a queef-noise generator, not just regular farting being done by a girl, but actual vagina farts, was accepted by Apple–HOWEVER this poor girl repeatedly tried to submit a similar application called iQueef that does exactly the same thing but was initially rejected by Apple and then simply ‘not approved but not rejected either’ and left that way permanently when she tried to rename it and make the graphics a bit less explicit. It seems that as long as you don’t say the word ‘queef’, you’re fine–nothing wrong with ‘fart’, but ‘queef’? Oh lord no! We just CAN’T say…that word. God forbid we should mention vaginas. Stupid. Apple, if you’re going to approve farting, shitting, porn music iPhone apps, then you’re sexist hypocrites for not approving this. Couldn’t find a video of this specific app so here’s 31 farting apps in 90 seconds:
3. Porn Music Generator
From the description: “Have you ever been in a situation with you and your partner, all is good except the thing you’re missing is MUSIC? Well NO MORE with SuperStar, Crack open SuperStar and you’re immediately a playa. Mobile porn music in your pocket! Enjoy the Super Sounds of the 70’s!”
Just the thing for a first date. Playing music while trying to get it on with a girl is a good idea, as are candles, wine, and chocolate, but porn music is absolutely, definitely, positively not a good choice.
2. CalmCandle
From the description: “Whether you want to just sit quietly and meditate on the flame, or just load up an alternative screensaver to keep your device looking interesting, this is the candle flame app for you.”
It’s a video of a candle. That’s it. Oh, and it costs $4.99.
1. Birth Buddy
Ohhhh yes, this is #1 on our list, it’s that bad: you’re a pregnant woman, you’re also an iPhone owner, so in the process of pushing an 8 pound baby out of your vagina you whip out your iPhone, start up the Birth Buddy app, and use it to keep track of your contractions AND notify friends and family! Yay! (note: take a very close look at that purple icon in the upper-left hand corner of the screenshot there)
From the description: “Birth Buddy is a tool to track labor contractions, allowing you to focus on breathing and relaxing, and your partner to focus on you. Your Birth Buddy will also send an email to yourself, your care provider, or curious family members.”
I thought the Porn Music app was quite entertaining. When I say entertaining – lets say @ 2 am drinking with buddies. It was funny as heck to us.
I am not sure about this one, after snagging the fleshlight vortex that I saw on fleshlightcanada.com I can’t see how any other fake pussy can beat it – and I’ve tried other good masturbators like the Tenga Flip Hole. But I have to say very few of these sex toys can equal a fleshlight – Without question, it beats the hell out of many other male sex toys!